Fight The Urge To Hide

When we are hurt or in pain, there’s this urge to hide. Think of an animal in the wild who is wounded in a fight the first thing they want to do is find a safe corner to hide. They’ll dig a hole and bury themselves in it. They’ll go behind a tree or run into a bush. As humans we are no different because when we get hurt through a relationship, we have this urge to hide ourselves. We don’t want to be seen we don’t want to be heard. We want to give ourselves a safe space as soon as possible. Because that is how we can protect ourselves.

A peaceful outdoor setting for a women's retreat.

We’re not the type that picks up a stick and starts beating back or maybe we are. And maybe the stick is our words. Maybe we will fight back with our words maybe we fight back with a fist or weapons. But after the fight is over are you the one that wants to hide? Because that’s the person I’m talking to right now. The one that wants nothing to do with the world. The one that feels like if I show myself out there, I will be hurt again. The one that has lost complete trust and belief in anything good in others. I am talking to you.

I get it. The pain is raw and real. Whether it’s a friendship or romantic relationship. You trusted them you gave them your all you laid it out there. And somehow instead you’re here now feeling a lot of pain. Wishing it will go away. Wishing they would go away. Maybe you told them everything that was on your mind and you spoke your truth to them. Maybe you wishing that you did. Whichever one it is right now I want you to sit take a deep breath and save this with me. God I give you this pain. God I give you all hurts that are going through my body right now. Please take my heart and hold it in your loving hands and return give me healing. Give me peace and give me strength. Open my ears to your gentle voice to guide me in this new season. Give me discernment to know what I need and what I should allow into my space. And give me love for myself and love to share with those who need the love from me. 

When I was in deep pain, I withdrew. I had to force myself to hug my kids. I had to force myself to be kind to myself. I was mad that I allowed that to happen. But I didn’t have my boundaries up. Why was I so weak? So in this moment, I asked God to forgive me and I’m asking you to ask God to forgive you. But most importantly, I need you to also forgive yourself. Because as many times, as I was asking God to forgive me and I was working on forgiving the other person I neglected to forgive myself. I felt I needed to be punished, and I started to take the punishment into my own hands. It’s now only was I withdrawing to keep myself safe, but I was now withdrawing because I felt like I didn’t deserve to receive the love that people wanted to give me in the season. Those who wanted to encourage me I said no. Because I had failed. I hadn’t stopped someone from taking advantage of me. I allowed them to control me. I allowed them to make my life about theirs. So why would I deserve any love right now.

But it’s not true. You are amazing and you deserve to be whole. Because in this moment, I know a heart doesn’t feel hope it’s cracking under the pain and the betrayal and the hurt and the manipulation. I pray God heals your heart and makes it hole again. I pray he shows you the beauty that is inside of you. I pray he covers you with his love. I pray that you all allow others to show you love. I pray you do not punish yourself by closing yourself up. I pray good things come into your life continuously abundantly. I pray that you give yourself grace over and over. I pray that you allow your hand to open up once again to let someone else place theirs inside of it. I pray that you take God as your defender and not yourself. Let him fight your battle. Let him be the one to protect you. Let him show you what you need to do to protect yourself as well.

I pray with the discernment that we talked about earlier you will be able to see who to let into your life and whom not to from this point on. I pray the changes that need to happen will take place and that you will grow and walk freely once again. Realize that this situation is trying to break a beautiful being and you are strong enough to not let it. You are amazing enough to not completely turn off your light. You can fight this feeling conquer this moment and reach the top and get back out there again. Because this is not the end, this is the beginning of a new chapter. When you walked away when you said no, you close the door to that chapter and in this new beginning this is you healing strengthening feeling growing knowing learning and soon I pray reopening and coming back out. Because this world needs you. We need your gifts. We need your light. We need your love. We need your words. Don’t hide it don’t cover it. Come out one day soon. And when you’re ready.