Have You Faced Your Pain?

We are told often to face our fears, which is great but have you faced your pain? Facing our fears require putting ourselves in a space that makes us afraid and still moving forward despite the fear. Now take out the word fear and replace it with pain. Those spaces where we once felt immense pain are the very spaces we would like to stay very far away from. Who wants to go back in time and relive that? Who wants to remember the day or person who caused us so much hurt. However, with the right timing and mindset, it is actually healing to go back and face your pain. Now I am no psychologist to recognize and walk myself back to do this. However, this is my testimony of the time God became the the one I needed to put me in a place at the right time to create a healing moment.

After leaving my abusive husband, God put me in positions to face my past hurts. The place we first met and the places he caused me hurt. If it was up to me I would have avoided them al like the plague for the rest of my life. I had no desire to revisit the pain. Neither did I want to risk a trigger so even anything that is remotely similar in any way, I am gone. But if not for God’s love and desire to see us healthy. 

He did not throw me right in! It was a gentle nudge like His gentle whispers. I made fun plans with friends. We were going to have dinner and a concert. As I pulled up I found myself at the restaurant where he made me feel like an awful human being. His painful words cut deep as he brought chaos into our night. When I tired to leave and go home he followed me into the streets not letting up. This time, I was surrounded with love and laughter and hugs. Good friends chose the place and because I had blocked it from my mind, the memories slowly came back and as the night continued the old became replaced with the new. God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. 

Another time was my sister insisting we go to the beach where I first me my ex husband. It was such a fairytale meeting to end in such tragedy, it became another place I blocked from my mind. However, I reluctantly agreed. As we walked on the sand, I could feel strength returning and fear leaving. Why was I afraid to come back? In fact this was the beach I brought my kids to every year and stopped. That day I claimed it back! We did a fun photo shoot, played like we always did and had a great time. I was forever grateful for this day.

After going through my healing journey for years I started to recognize and see how God was working. So when I 'randomly' drove by the hospital I was aware immediately of my next step. I am a firm believer that nothing is a coincidence. My use of the word 'randomly' basically means 'on purpose by God'. Our 'suddenly' is His plan that was written long ago. This was the hospital where I experienced three miscarriages. It had closed down years ago. I slowly turned my car into the parking lot and sat there staring at the door I walked in multiple times with joy then left with fear and/or sadness. The medical team was amazing and supportive, but nothing can make you smile away the pain. No sweet words can stop the incoming hurt. 

As I sat there, I cried a releasing cry. It was a lot to go through. It was a season that needed to be acknowledged, felt, and understood. I believe in all seasons God has a purpose. We cannot fully understand the purpose and maybe one day we will or won’t but I’m not regretting this season at all. It gave me empathy for others going through it. It strengthened me and gave me more appreciation for the babies I did have. Eventually I had my rainbow baby who gives me so much love and joy today. 

After talking to God and sitting in that moment with Him I drove away. I could feel strength building again as I remembered what I overcame. I felt the healing for a season I had avoided thinking about. I felt love being poured into me as I could see how God himself never forgets our pain. Just we try to forget them, He purposely tries to help us heal through them. We are that important to Him. He holds all of us in His heart. If we could only do the same and allow Him to fully cover and guide us. Surrender your hurt, heart and happiness to Him. Watch what He does with it.